Morning wake up call

Every morning between 4 and 5 30 am I wake up in complete darkness to the sound of heavy breathing directly in my ear. It is orange 1 coming to say good morning, he comes into our room every morning, bypasses my husband and comes to my side of the bed where instead of announcing himself he breathes like a stalker in my ear. To be honest its absolutely terrifying. This has been going on for about a month. So everyday for a month I have woken up in complete fear. Its funny to tell the story but I seriously think its causing some long term damage to my heart.

PS I didn't choose this side of the bed by fluke, it was specifically to bypass the morning wake up calls. Do you think thats karma?

The List

and my husband said to me "Hookers wont send you tax receipts"

The woes of motherhood (as in my mother)

An actual conversation I had with my mother:

(Note: Firstborn is called Orange 1, its short for The Little Orange Haired Monster plus he's the 1st)

Her "I bought Orange 1 some cars but they might be too old for him"

Me "Whats the age listed on them?"

Her"3 and up" (Orange 1 is not yet 2)

Me "Oh, well they're probably too old then"

Her/Insane-o "I think they just say that because theres small bits they could choke on"

Me ---blank stare -- "Yes, yes I do believe you're right"

Insane-o : Well we'll just give them to him and see"

Me -- sigh.....

Foiled

I looked it up and apparently its frowned upon to taser people. Something about it being "cruel, inhuman and absolutely prohibited under international law".

Taser

I'd like a taser. I'm going to figure out how to make a block on the side of my blog where I can keep a list of names of people I'd like to taser. Then when people make me mad I could say things like "You're on my list". My husband says thats why they'd never let me have one.

Trauma at the mall

Today I went to the mall and had to unbutton my pants because they were so tight.
When I had number 1 I thought I'm going to gain 25 pounds max, but really I was aiming for 20 as I was a little bit chubby. When I got to 40 I started turning around on the scale when I went to the doctor and asked the nurse to never tell me the number. This way I could breezily reply "Oh I don't know" when people asked me how much I gained. Important to note, don't ask people that! After he was born I took up running and it came off, painfully, 600k and 10 months later. For the second I thought no way I'm doing that again. When I got to 40 (at week 30ish) I again turned around. While standing backwards on the scale at week 36 I heard the little weight slide all the way over, get rejected, slide all the way back, and then heard the sad clunk as the BIG weight moved (the one that moves in like 20 pound increments) I then tried to convince the nurse that the doctor didn't need me to be weighed any longer, she didn't bite. Sadly curiosity took over and I do have a scale at home. I wanted to know how much I'd lose after "The Big Show". I unfortunately can now tell people the answer (seriously, why would you ask someone that?). Anyway after "The Big Show" I lost 10! A big freaking 10! Number 2 (or piggy as I like to call him) weighed 8 so that means I lost a whole 2 pounds. Which leads me to today. I put on pants without elastic in them ( perhaps important to note that these are not my pants, they are in fact my husbands pants) and I then had to proceeded to unbutton them halfway through the mall. Awesome!